Aiming Away From Perfect

Unpacking Perfectionism

Photo by Mauro Gigli on Unsplash

Show of hands: how many of you can easily call yourself a perfectionist? And how many of call yourself a perfectionist with a sense of pride knowing it is a badge of honor, a medal well earned, or a peak that you have summited? If you raised your hand it’s time to talk this out. It’s important to uncover why you’re choosing perfectionism in your daily life.

First, it’s important to know that perfectionism is a mindset; it is something that you have honed, utilized, and leaned on for many years. However, it is an unsustainable mindset, one that punishes you for being human and that eliminates self-compassion from your self-talk. Perfectionism tells you “You’re no good, your work isn’t up to snuff, and your efforts are not enough; try harder!” Whereas compassion tells you “You gave it your best, you can always try again, you’re human, and you’ve done plenty.”

There are a few things to understand about this state of mind. Perfectionism is:

• Driven by a fear of failure

• Ruled by judgment, shame, and blame towards oneself

• An attempt to protect oneself from mediocrity

• An unattainable illusion

I work with clients who live at all levels on the perfectionist scale. From owners obsessed with the minutiae of their operation to managers who are relentless with their team, and to chefs who refuse to hear or accept feedback. But perfection isn’t an external existence, it is internal. It is a bar that will never be reached, it is a satisfaction that will never be achieved, and it is a goal that is forever out of reach. So how does one become less of a perfectionist? 

As someone on the perfectionist scale myself I have spent a lot of time trying to discover the common elements of perfectionism and find ways to confront and change these pervasive habits and behaviors. As I wrote in another blog post, Add it Up, it’s really hard to stop something. I always tell my clients that they might want to stop being so unrelenting or want to stop being so hard on themselves, but stopping a habit is hard. Changing your wiring is a long process. What I recommend instead is adding new actions, not eliminating old habits.  

When you’re falling into the pitfalls of this deeply ingrained mindset, here are a few things you can reach for to aim away from perfectionism: 

• Give yourself credit for your actions: Perfectionists often operate from a position of scarcity; they feel compelled to do more and to be the best even though it feels like they never achieve success. So acknowledging your actions visually helps you see how they add up. It might sound trivial, but give yourself credit for your actions. Give yourself a gold star, put a penny in a jar, or create a log or journal of your actions that are for you and you alone. Noting your efforts will demonstrate progress and progress is inspiring. When you can look back and see that you made incremental efforts, you will start to see how far you have come and how you have actively achieved a goal - your goal - over time.

• Acknowledge your values: Many perfectionists have an unyielding inner voice that pushes them to be better and do more. But what about your values? If you can’t truly acknowledge yourself or your values, you won’t be able to see when you have reached your goals and achieved success. Self-acknowledgment is a muscle, so start to note when you make a difference, do something with integrity, or make something better for another person. This exercise helps you focus on what you value and helps you build a new muscle that can calm the relenting inner voice.

• Note outside acknowledgment: Perfectionists look for acknowledgment from the outside world but are quick to dismiss praise because they feel that they could have done more, or made better choices. But outside praise or acknowledgment is real and is meaningful to the person who shared it. So write down when people acknowledge your efforts and you will start to see more clearly that your actions make a difference. 

• Feel the love: Gratitude is an incredible tool. It has been scientifically proven to help us improve our moods, health, and connection to others. So when someone acknowledges you and your efforts, share how that makes you feel. Give thanks for their words and be sure to fully accept the compliment. Don’t brush it off with a negative reply (“It was no big deal”) or with a returned compliment (“No, YOU’RE so good at presenting yourself”). There is support all around you, all you have to do is catch some of it to make a difference. 

For me, the pursuit of perfectionism is completely draining; when I’m in the perfectionist mindset I don’t feel uplifted or inspired. I always preach: leadership is in public. So think about how your efforts are impacting others. Are you inspiring or draining to those around you? And, more importantly, do you feel inspired or drained by your own drive? Start adding some of the hacks above and see if you can cultivate some new habits that build you up rather than break you down. You can reprogram your outdated mindset to feel more fulfillment, satisfaction, and success in your work and your life.

For paid subscribers, see the worksheet below with some helpful methods for addressing perfectionism. If you are not a paid subscriber and want to get access to my worksheets, consider becoming a paid subscriber!

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