Back in ye olden days of the pandemic I discovered something about my husband. At this point, we had been married for 16 years and I thought I knew the guy…I mean, we’re super close and can read each other’s minds, so I was not expecting to discover this truth about him that had been hiding in plain sight…for years.
How I made my discovery was during our many months out of work. As a household comprised of an out-of-work chef (my man) and an out-of-work consultant and coach (moi), we started spending every waking moment together, which was great! We ate more meals together during those many months than ever before and took long walks and bike rides all over the city. It was wonderful! It was heaven! Until I noticed that my dear husband likes things loud. He likes his music loud, he talks on the phone with enthusiasm (read: loudly), and is known to show his emotions when watching a soccer game or a heated political debate on TV. This wasn’t a total surprise, but during our very long hours together I was more aware than ever that I am…quiet. And I like quiet. I need and crave quiet at the end of the day or even after a full morning speaking with others to fully recharge my battery.
This made me realize for the first time in our lives together that my husband is an extravert*. Hello, my outgoing, bubbly, ball of energy husband! It’s me, your sometimes outgoing, bubbly, energetic wife, the one who needs complete quiet at some point, every day. This got me thinking about myself as an introvert because I’m actually an “extroverted introvert” someone who likes bursts of connection, likes some big sound and energy, and enjoys presenting herself to others. Often I find this very uplifting and energizing. However, what I need after I get my “extra” energy dose is that I need an equal share of quiet or even solitude. See, before the pandemic my husband got all his extraverted energy topped off and expended while at work in a huge hotel, and we would compatibly wind down together while at home. During our months of full-time togetherness, we both required different things during our days; I realized I needed additional quiet time and he needed additional high-energy, high-connection time.
While we commonly think of extraversion and introversion as being outgoing or reserved, and quiet or loud, it goes quite a bit deeper than that. Intro/extraversion is more about how does one recoup their energy? For extroverts, it is with others, for introverts it is alone. For extroverts it is with noise and communication, for introverts, it is in silence. That simple difference is essential because almost everyone is on a spectrum from introversion to extraversion and yet we still need what we need to get our energy back, fully recharge, and fill up our tanks.
Do you know where you fall on the spectrum? Are you aware of how you recoup your energy? And how about those folks on your team, what do they need during their work day and how do they recover their energy? To find out it is helpful to conduct personality quizzes with your team (there are a lot out there but the one I like is called 16 Personalities). A personality quiz can help you discover (or even reinforce) how you operate and show up in the world and where you show up on the intro-extra scale (the quiz I like mimics the tried and true MBTI, one of the leaders in personality testing). No matter which quiz you lean on, it’s a beneficial tool for better understanding yourself and those on your team.
Why this is so helpful as a leader is twofold. The first is that you must know how to take care of yourself and respect your boundaries, this is incredibly important! Because your energy dominates you must know how to recoup it when you’re feeling a lapse in your energy. The second is that by understanding how you - and your team - are wired you can be more tuned in to their needs as well. I once worked with an extroverted client and their boss was an introvert. He had trouble getting time with his boss because his boss is much happier engaging as little as possible. Which is fine for the boss, but not for my client. So we worked on strategies so my client could ask for more engagement and support from someone who naturally doesn’t require the same amount of interaction.
Take a little time to explore your needs and notice what brings you energy and what can be draining. Notice what helps you recharge your battery, is it listening to some loud music and dancing around? Or is it retreating to a corner with the lights off for a little quiet time? That little bit of clarity can go a long way in helping you honor your needs and become a leader who knows how to take care of #1.
*Carl Jung coined the term “extravert” by borrowing from the Latin “extra” for outside or beyond, versus “intro” for inside or inwards. We colloquially have started using “extrovert” but either spelling is correct. :)
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