Be a Demure - And Direct - Boss

Giving Feedback Like the Demure Leader You Are

Being demure is having a moment. And I can’t lie…I’m here for it! I’ve always been someone people referred to as demure or called her verbal cousins including “ladylike,” “reserved,” “poised,” “composed.” Depending on who was bestowing the descriptor on me, it was not always shared with a positive twist. Sometimes these terms have been lobbed at me as a deficit, that in order to be powerful I had to become more tough, crass, or aggressive…traits that weren’t in my natural repertoire. So when I heard that “demure” was on top, I did a little pirouette of delight (as a demure leader naturally does upon hearing wonderful news).

So let’s break it down, what exactly IS being demure at work? For me, being demure pulls from some of the traits I listed above, reserved/poised/composed among them. But these traits are not always what leadership requires. Sometimes leadership requires us to be outspoken, brave, vulnerable, or even bold in our actions. So how can we be demure and direct as a leader?

For me it comes down to this: being demure at work is about being respectful. This means being respectful to others, to the business, and most importantly, demonstrating respect for oneself. This means showing concern and care for others while also presenting yourself in a way that telegraphs the message “I respect myself in my role as a leader.” Does that include a pillbox hat and a string of pearls? It might if that is your style, but otherwise it is not about your personal sartorial style, it’s deeper than that. It’s that sense of poise and posture that demonstrates that you’re on it without being loud or outspoken. That you’re capable without being a show off, and you’re knowledgeable without shoving it in other people’s faces. When it comes down to growing a team and giving feedback to others, this is where being demure can be your superpower. We don’t naturally equate being demure with giving feedback, but I’ve got a little hack that will allow you to be demure and powerful; demure and direct. It all comes down to taking notice of what others are doing.

Here’s how it works, instead of giving feedback that focuses on what the other person is not doing, you focus on what you notice about them instead. Saying “you’re doing xyz and that’s wrong,” may be direct, but it’s not demure. The more demure (read respectful) approach would be to say it this way: “I noticed when you do xyz people react in abc way, which isn’t serving you in your role.” Or “I noticed that you did pdq and I have to tell you, that’s not something we tolerate here.”

By sharing what you notice, it allows you to stay on professional ground by stating your observation of their behavior without making it personal or judgy. This is the power that demure leaders have at their fingertips: demure leaders are able to set clear expectations without being judgmental, nasty, or demotivating. Instead, demure leaders are focused on demonstrating respect…for the individual, the operation, and themselves.

This is an inviting position, and it allows others to get on board with your demure attitude because the goal is to be respectful and inclusive, respectful and growth-oriented, respectful and clear. So, the next time you have to give constructive feedback to a report or colleague, share what you notice followed by the expectation. And see how this direct, behavior-based approach impacts your results. I know it works because this is what I use when I give feedback to my coaching clients. This is part of my work, giving feedback is something that I do as a coach. I have never had pushback and I’ve never had people disagree. In fact, when you’re demure and direct, it lands in the best possible way because it allows for everyone to grow better together.

Paid subscribers: See below for a helpful worksheet for giving feedback like the demure and direct boss that you are.

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When you’re ready here’s how you can work with me:

• 1:1 individual coaching can help you identify your deeply ingrained, outdated habits and help you build yourself into the leader you know you can be. A leader who is authentic, confident, and energizing to be around.

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I look forward to working with you!

* discount applies to the purchase of the Bedrock Trio (a 3-class series for one 16-person group) on various leadership & service topics…an $800 value!