Coach It UP
Take Up More Space with Your Boss
I was raised to be a good soldier. Growing up in hospitality in the early nineties I was taught that the pathway to success was by saying “yes” to everything. I became a “yes” powerhouse and prided myself on being able to take on any task or challenge that was within my wheelhouse.
My training was sharply honed: say yes + figure it out + get it done = get praise. I loved to MacGyver things, tinker, get under the hood, and fix and solve every issue. Give me the hairy scary customers, the convoluted projects, the tricky employees and I was on it. I swallowed my fear in part because I believed I had no choice. It wasn’t success I was seeking, it was survival. It was keeping my job. It was being seen in some small way by the powers that be. I developed a highly-tuned skill of responsiveness because it kept me afloat and visible to those above me.
The problem was I didn’t have time and energy to do everything that came my way. And oh, how I hated that I had said “yes” in those moments. This was when my habit of saying “yes” overrode my reality; I would say “yes” despite the fact that I was creating a mountain of work for myself and pushing myself into overwhelm. No matter how busy and burnt out I was, my responsiveness habit took over and I simply said “yes, sure, or you got it.”
Does this resonate? I work with a ton of leaders who came up in similar circumstances and with the same results. Little autonomy, few boundaries, and great pride in being able to power through anything.
Something I learned later in my career is this: it’s okay to not not respond immediately and, instead, cultivate a new default setting. Instead of responding and saying “yes” I discovered that taking up space meant learning more before agreeing, taking a pause before responding, and restructuring my reaction to the demands and (sometimes) whims of those who may be above me on the hierarchy. And it all comes down to asking questions and being curious.
When you’re a highly responsive leader you’re so good at saying “yes” that you don’t even see a space where you could possibly say “no,” “not right now,” or “I need to understand more” before accepting a challenge. But this is a mindset you can start to cultivate. Here’s how you get out of responsive “yes” mode and into a more empowered mindset with your boss or others on your team (paid subscribers, I’ve built a Curiosity Worksheet for you, scroll to the bottom to download!):
First, you must pause and take a beat before responding. You’re so hardwired to say a quick “yes” that you aren’t giving yourself enough time to consider the consequences or reality for yourself. So, first things first, pause and breathe so you can think before responding.
Second, ask yourself some questions around these four realities:
Time: Do I have time? What are my priorities? If I take this on, what gets bumped?
Resources: Do I have the resources in the form of budget, staff, product, or a reasonable timeline to make this idea come to fruition?
Bandwidth: Do I have the bandwidth to do this well, or will I dial it in, rush, or cut corners because I simply have other pending priorities?
Quality: Do all of these align so that I can deliver quality work? (Remember, your boss needs you to deliver quality and the 3 questions above make this abundantly clear).
Third, get curious! Ask some questions, learn more, and provide context to your boss. This is how you coach up, and how you gain more definition about the task at hand so you can make a considered decision. Some curious questions include:
Detail Q’s:
What is your timeline for this?
What makes this (idea/concept) so meaningful for you as a leader?
When this gets accomplished, what will it mean for you/the company?
Context Q’s:
I already do xyz, is there someone in particular you’re thinking of?
We’re both so busy, I’m curious, how do you make time to do xyz?
I’m already working on xyz, could you share more about your vision for me taking this on?
Priority Q’s:
If I take this on, which project should I pause?
How do you see me accomplishing this alongside my xyz priorities?
Can you help me figure this out? Right now, I only have enough time for abc and pdq…
The beauty of asking these questions is you’re demonstrating interest your boss and including them in your success. You’re engaging them as a collaborator by asking them to put themself in your shoes, which can result in some insightful answers. Certainly your boss may still insist you take on this new project or initiative. But, by demonstrating curiosity, asking questions, and expanding the conversation you’re no longer acting in a silo. You’re taking up space as a more empowered and effective leader and creating a new default setting for yourself. One that keeps you in the role of confident coach and leader.
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When you’re ready here’s how you can work with me:
1:1 individual coaching can help you identify your deeply ingrained, outdated habits and help you build yourself into the leader you know you can be. A leader who is authentic, confident, and energizing to be around.
Team Training is built to unify leadership teams in various leadership skills. From delegation to feedback to communication, I have a class that fits your needs. (Paid subscribers get a $50/pp discount on my group class Bedrock Trio* - upgrade your subscription today!)
I look forward to working with you!
