Create Some Boundaries
The Importance of Asking Limited Questions
Have you ever had asked someone a big, open question and then regretted it immediately? Like you opened up a can of worms that just took the conversation sideways? I’ve had that happen, more than once. As an instructor, as a facilitator, and even as a coach. Asking open questions can be a tricky space to inhabit, one where you’re keeping things open while you help the speaker stay on course without going off-road.
Some of the most innocuous questions can backfire because they’re too open. Like “how are you doing?” or “what did you think?” or “how would you do it?” All of these are using “how” and “what” (my favorite question starters), but they’re also so wide open that people could answer in too many diverse and divergent ways. And on the receiving end, sometimes a big question can stop conversation entirely. The person you’re talking with might simply answer with “I’m good” or “I wouldn’t change a thing” or “I have no clue.” All of which may be true enough, but they don’t move the conversation forward. The purpose of asking a good question is to inspire conversation, not stop it.
Let’s pause here for a moment. It’s essential to clarify that the point of asking questions is to deepen connection, foster communication and understanding, and to learn more about the person you’re speaking with. A great coach and leader asks questions that are specific, inviting, and thoughtful, while also demonstrating curiosity and a desire to understand and learn more.
Very often the best questions are crafted with simple limitations or clear boundaries. These questions allow for the the response to be open while question itself is constrained. As a leader, you must be clear: what is your purpose in asking this question? When you’re specific you allow the speaker to understand where you’re looking for the conversation to go which helps keep things on track. Some helpful limitations include:
Specificity: what exactly are you asking your question about? This is where people get tripped up, their desire to be open results in a question that isn’t specific enough. Help the person talking by asking a question that puts them on the right path.
Timing: what is the time frame that you’re inquiring about? Something in the past, the future or more recently? Again, be specific in the exact moment you’re referring to, this will help the speaker drill down their answer to you.
Constraint: this is where instead of learning everything, you may want to learn one thing. One thing can be so helpful to the other person because it forces them to think in smaller pieces, which helps the conversation from going off the rails. Examples include “what’s one thing/step/idea…” or “what’s the first/last thing/step/idea…” Each of these provides a lens through which to listen, learn and speak.
It’s important to go in with a clear idea of what you want to learn from this person. Do you need to know what they’re working on, or what has meaning for them, or what is exciting or stressful to them? Some questions are built to deepen understanding, some are to deepen your relationship, and some are to foster connection. Identify your intention and let this guide your questions.
Let’s work with the wide open questions I posed above and create some questions with limitations instead:
Instead of asking “how are you doing?” Ask:
“How did you feel about your presentation today?”
“How far along are you with xyz project?
“What’s one thing that is exciting/draining you in your role right now?”
Instead of asking “what did you think?” Ask:
“What’s one thing we could improve with xyz?”
“How did this workshop impact your ability to do pdq?”
“How did this new program improve what you do daily?”
Instead of asking “how would you do it?” Ask:
“What is the first thing you’d do differently?”
“If we did this again, what would you want to focus on?”
“What would you like to see if we improved xyz?”
The key with asking good questions is that you must practice asking them! This means prepping yourself with a list of questions to ask (paid subs, I have built a cheat sheet of questions for you, see below:), and taking every opportunity to practice your new skills. Practice allows you to try out different approaches and notice which questions get the best answers. Track your growth and acknowledge your improvement, it’s a huge motivator on your path to becoming the leader you know you can be.
➡️ A great way to practice is by signing up for my new app, Choose Coaching! Until July 3rd, you’ll get 20% off a year’s subscription. The app offers daily practice, practical lessons, and guided reflections, not only on how to ask great questions, but how to be a focused listener and become a grounded and present leader and coach.
➡️ When you’re ready here’s how you can work with me:
1:1 individual coaching can help you identify your deeply ingrained, outdated habits and help you build yourself into the leader you know you can be. A leader who is authentic, confident, and energizing to be around.
Team Training is built to unify leadership teams in various leadership skills. From delegation to feedback to communication, I have a class that fits your needs. (Paid subscribers get a $50/pp discount on my group class Bedrock Trio* - upgrade your subscription today!)
I look forward to working with you!
