Exercise Your Right to Say "NO"

You know you want to.

If you’ve read my blog posts over the past few years you know I speak to folks who have an overactive empathy gene. Those who put others first with great regularity. What these folks do is put themselves last or second behind everyone else, which can be both frustrating and a total time suck. So here’s my question for you: shall we add another habit to the list of things that overly empathetic people regularly do? I think I heard you say “yes” so let’s dive in…

Very often my overly empathetic clients have built the habit of saying “yes.” “Yes” slides of their tongues very easily, in hospitality we’re trained to be gracious and obliging. But, oftentimes, saying “yes” has become almost too easy….these leaders have become so comfortable over-accommodating others and are so people pleasing that anything less than “yes” can feel mean or just plain wrong. These folks have a hard time saying “no” and it’s something to work on and raise awareness of.

First, saying no is very empowering. “No” can allow you to specify what works for you, demonstrate what you have bandwidth for, and advocate what is correct for your business. Second, saying “no” is an essential leadership skill to build. A simple, “no, I’ve decided against that” is all it takes sometimes to put your needs (and those of the business) first and clarify that you’re in charge: of your time, your decisions and your actions. Here are a few ways to start excercising your right to say “no” and let others know you have other priorities, requirements, and needs.

• Say no to requests. You field many requests in a day….for special consideration (arriving late, leaving early), for your time (to demo a new product, to pick your brain), and for your assistance and input (on various initiatives, projects, and daily tasks). Just because people ask doesn’t mean you must respond in kind. Assess your priorities and then share what fits into your plan/thinking/timeframe and what does not. A simple “no, I don’t have time for xyz” should suffice.

• Say no to extra tasks. This is a hard one, when you’re capable and knowledgeable it’s easy to say yes to every request. So, to break this habit you must take a pause before answering and think it through:

  • “Is this a ‘me task’ or a ‘someone else task?’” (a client shared this one with me, and I love it!). This is a great way to decide what tasks stay on your list and which get outsourced.

  • “Can someone else learn by doing a task that I don’t need to do?” If your answer to this question is “yes,” then say “no” and delegate the task.

  • “Do I have time for this?” You must be realistic, if you don’t have time you can simply say “no, I can’t right now” or offer an alternative that is feasible but not detrimental to you or your schedule.

• Say no to things that you’ve done before. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Let others take on the jobs that you have mastered (even if it’s fun for you!). I used to love opening bottles of wine but as a manager that took me away from my job overseeing the entire dining room. So give these fun but mundane tasks away (unlesss, of course, if you’re helping your team when they can’t) so you can focus on your job and role.

• Say no to ego-boosting situations. Be honest, are you doing a certain task because you’re good at it and it makes you feel fabulous (even though it is not a good use of your time)? I know chefs who would rather butcher fish than have a conversation with their troublesome team member, GM’s who would rather talk to regulars than help the hosts manage an unhappy guest…and I get it, these things feel good and are hard to say no to. But you must say “no” as a leader! Not only to save your energy and time for the harder stuff but also to model that you’re willing and able to do the tough stuff and stand up for your team and the standards of the business.

Now it might sound like I’m being a buzzkill….I certainly don’t want you to eliminate the fun parts of your job. But, if you’re inundated with small tasks or requests and you never say “no,” then you might need to flex a little bit of “no” muscle during your workday. Each skill you build adds more choices to your leadership toolkit, which gives you more options to pull from when you’re busy and stressed.

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