Yes You Can!
Are any of you old enough to remember the character Stuart Smalley from SNL back in the day? It was a spoof on the self-help craze of the time and Stuart hosted a show called “Daily Affirmation” where he would bring on big name guests and have them go through his positive affirmations while looking in the mirror. It culminated in him asking his guest to repeat this mantra: “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and - doggone it! - people like me.” The funniest episode I saw was where he had Michael Jordan, the basketball genius (arguably at the top of his fame and career), on as a guest. At the end of the segment, Jordan repeats Stuart’s mantra with a quizzical look on his face. Sort of like “Um, I know I am good enough, smart enough, and people like me…duh!” The joke was that people at his superior level didn’t need these simple affirmations, they’ve already done the work.
Despite the spoof, the truth is that positive affirmations do work. In the skit, Stuart offers an uplifting phrase to help folks uplift themselves and change their self-talk. And this is completely correct; a powerful way to ingrain good, healthful actions is to repeat a positive affirmation again and again. It works because it helps you reach for positive mindsets during your day.
But here’s the thing, anything we repeat does get hard-wired in our brains. If we tell ourselves we’re good enough that will become fact, but so will repeating “I’m not good enough.” So we have to be very careful of the messages we repeat to ourselves so we don’t commit to messages that don’t serve us well. There are two phrases that we all use regularly, that we need to gain awareness of because, when repeated, they create a pathway of self-doubt, incapability, and powerlessness. They are “I can’t” and “I have to.”
If we look at “I can’t” we can see the challenge pretty quickly. When we say “I can’t” we’re sending a message of incapability; it’s a limiting sentence. We often use “I can’t” instead of something more authoritative like “I will not.” Then there’s “I have to.” This one is slippery because it is in the realm of autonomy and agency. “I have to” implies that you have no choice, no agency over your actions and thoughts. Which is different than using “I choose to” or “I choose not to.”
So I want you to practice replacing your minimizing phrases with more autonomous phrases and see what happens. Even saying them out loud is pretty powerful. Instead of saying “I can’t go tonight” instead, say “I will not go tonight.” It relays more confidence and empowerment that using “I can’t” on its own. Instead of saying “I have to finish this project tonight,” replace it with “I choose to finish this project tonight.” It’s a much more powerful position that using “I have to” which puts you in a secondary, less powerful role.
What’s especially cool is that using these phrases is a great model for those around you. When you feel more confident, your team members will likely feel their confidence improve as well. Why? Because confidence is observed and emulated by those around the leader; your actions and mindset matter.
When you’re ready here’s how you can work with me:
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I look forward to working with you!